Satirical Commentary
The incoming trump administration is passing legislation that will ban Canadian weather. It was determined by an august panel of Republican scientists, that there is a correlation between bad weather in the United States and Canadian weather systems. When disclosed to the Republican caucus of the possibility, the future administration’s spokesman immediately commented as follows;
“I never doubted for a moment that it was the fault of Canada. We will be bringing tariffs, to be imposed immediately upon assuming power, targeting Canadian weather systems. We shall invoke God to command Prime Minister Polievre (or whatever his name is)…barely intelligible murmur…(Is that the guy we paid?), to ensure that Canadian weather does not illegally enter the United States and to demand that the Canadian Border Security Service develop measures to ensure that no more Canadian weather sneaks across the border. It’s a travesty that we should suffer undue cold due to Canada’s unwillingness to act.”
The Republican caucus, upon hearing of Canada’s involvement has been tasked with working to determine what level of reparations Canada should pay for this illegal and agriculturally dangerous migration and migrative intrusion.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene has offered to lead the apartheid committee on weather systems deportation. She stated,
“I am proud to lead this important action against Canada and its indifference to the plight of Americans. If it is found that Canada is truly responsive for these heinous acts, we will further task the U.S. Immigration Service and Border Patrol with the responsibility of rounding up all Canadians who now own property in the glorious and temperate warmth of America for immediate deportation to the frozen wasteland north of the southernmost Canadian geographical point.”
When Representative Greene was informed that 27 American states are actually further north than Canada’s southern boundary, she was heard to comment,
“You’re an idiot. Everyone knows Canada is a useless frozen wasteland that is North of the United States! Get out of my way, I have important deportations to plan.”
The Canadian Minister for Foreign Affairs has been summoned to Mar-a-lago to explain why it is that Canada is acting so irresponsibly. The incoming administration is ordering Canada to expel all Canadian weather systems before January 20th, 2025 or risk the imposition of a new weather tariff that will be added to all Canadian goods, unless the manufacturers of all Canadian products relocate to Florida or any other Republican state by January 21st, 2025.
President-elect trump, simply stated, “It’s going to be big. Actually it’s going to be the biggest, ever.” He then entered Mar-a-lago in his bathing suit and famous mango coloured spray on tan, to the delight of his many, ‘maybe biggest and best crowd’ outside the lobby of the golf and country club.
A committee that encompasses some of the most scientific ‘believers’, is to be appointed by Christian Evangelical leaders and educational consultants from Florida’s school system to look in depth at the data, which it is estimated will take 18 months to review and reach a determination. It will then go to Congress for further action.
While it will still be hard to determine causation, there may well be a correlation.
Stay tuned for more scientific analysis in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
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