Dogeball

Political Satire for the Masses — Are You Not Entertained!

The Trump administration has implemented a new sport for employees of Federal departments and agencies. It’s called DOGEball, and the aims of the game are quite simple.

DOGE, or the Department of Government Extinction has the privilege of decimating the Federal Government’s services and it’s soon to be ever diminishing cadre of employees. But simply axing entire departments would be a bit too crass, even for Donald. So to maintain an arm’s length from the annihilation to come, Trump has given the responsibility, great pleasure and honour, to Elon.

Elon in his infinite depravity has decided to provide Federal employees with the remote possibility of keeping their job, —but only if they play the game.

The game is quite simple. It will be played on an NFL sized field, with 11 contestants on the offence. Collaboration is to be avoided at all cost, as survival is the name of the game. A zero-sum game for the masses, is how Donald described the game.

His mantra for the games is, “May the Best Loser Win”.

All 11 contestants, known as ‘dead men walking’, begin at the end of the field at the one yard line. One football is placed at the twenty yard line, and the whistle is blown. Upon the blowing of the whistle, all 11 players race to possess the football. There are no rules as to how one can retain the ball in his possession. Biting, kicking, choking or gouging of eyes is all fair. I mean this is capitalism at its best, right?

At the other end of the field of deplorables, there are 11 Republican snipers, each with but one bullet in the caliber of their choosing. While the contestants attempt to move the ball to the goal line at the other end of the field, each sniper, at random can take down one of the contestants.

When one contestant makes it to the goal line, he will retain his position, at 80% of his existing salary including benefits. All others still on the field will be eliminated, preferably by a pack of starving dogs.

Donald and Elon agree that a ‘culling’ of federal departments by 90% is the target for departmental ‘cuts’.

The winner of the event will be awarded a Trump bible and a 24 hour unpaid furlough, before reporting for duty.

The games will be held each Friday, just in time for the weekend, ’employee appreciation’ celebration, to include a coffee break, unpaid of course. Bring your own cookies.

Female players will be fondled at will, in appreciation of their talents.

Yessiree… so much winning America… So much winning.