When facts won’t suffice, satire can be better, much more greater, –and we’re looking into it.
“First, there never would have been a war if I was in charge in Ukraine”, Pinocchio suggested yesterday. “I mean, I would have sold Ukraine to Russia and my buddy wouldn’t have had to defend his country from an invasion by Ukraine, and the death of billions of Russians.” Pinocchio continued while extricating his nose from the microphone.
Yesterday, Pinocchio called Volodymyr Zelenskyy a ‘dictator’. After I stopped laughing, I decided that someone needed to look at the facts.
I was pretty sure, based on FOX that Pinocchio was probably right. But maybe, just maybe, Zelenskyy didn’t attempt to overthrow Ukraine’s functioning government prior to his election, as implausible as that article appears to be?
Apparently, Pinocchio wasn’t aware that Ukraine was in the middle of a war for their very survival. It was his belief that it was just a minor issue of Vlad’s closest, dearest and nearest and yes, did I say dearest? Oh, okay, my spooning buddy having brought about 300,000 tourists to Ukraine for a tour. Instead they were forced to defend themselves as the overzealous Ukrainians overreacted and spontaneously created the situation where it was essential that Russian tourists needed to kill somewhere in the range of 440,000 Ukrainians.
“Never would have happened, if I had been the tour guide,” Pinocchio suggested yesterday.
Vlad also put in his two rubels by suggesting that, compared to his former friend, Stalin, this was a mere minor incident.
“Almost nobody even got hurt.” He smiled like a Komodo dragon.
Meanwhile, Keir Starmer, the Prime Minister of the U.K. spoke to Zelenskyy yesterday and told him it was ‘perfectly reasonable’ for Ukraine to ‘suspend elections during wartime as the U.K. did during World War Two.’
In Pinocchio’s defence, Pinocchio suggested that since America has been at war for 93% of its existence, that it was then more than possible that Pinocchio would remain in office for 93% of his future existence. Only when important, existential decisions need to be made, he suggested. will he not be available, as he will likely be getting a quiff, or shearing of the orange mane, most likely, — but probably.
Pinocchio suggested that he believes he speaks for the world. Zelenskyy then asked, ‘which one?’ Pinocchio’s world, he said, in his best imitation of Homer Simpson. ‘I mean, you know that a traitor is never the leader of the free world, and as for democracy, well that’s what a leader resorts to when he can’t steal what he wants.
Pinocchio has suggested that a ‘backstop’ may well be necessary as America will be too busy deporting the White House staff who work in his kitchen. He further stated that Russia has ‘all the cards’ at the moment, — he’s sure of this because he slid five Aces under the table to Vlad, so, — like, he knows.
Pinocchio almost had to end his press session when he stated that Zelenskyy was corrupt. His nose grew about a foot and got stuck in the drawer of his resolute desk, which required extrication by Elon, who just happened to be under the desk at the time.
Meanwhile, Russia praised Pinocchio saying that they finally felt ‘understood’. Vlad was seen wiping tears of joy from his eyes after the love fest. It is suspected that talks with Russia will continue tomorrow around the pool bar at Mar a Lago, as Pinocchio plans to do some ass grabbing to impress his guests.
Pinocchio is looking into whether he can place a tariff on NATO for suggesting that Ukraine was actually attacked, unprovoked by Russia. “I don’t think so. I think Zelenskyy was one of those who actually tried to shoot me in Pennsylvania. The CIA is looking into it now, and should be able to prove it by the weekend, or I’ll fire the whole lot of them.” He stated unequivocally.
“And tell Elon to rehire those chicken inspectors or bird flu guys.” We can’t have egg prices escalating simply because people are afraid of eggs.”
Yessirree bob. So much winning America.
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