I was imagining what would happen if an alien life force were to arrive in orbit around the earth overnight and provide earth with an ultimatum.
It would probably go something like this…
A Giant Head Appears in the Sky above Trump Tower
“Greetings amorphous blob of various inedible orange-stained fat.”
“We are here to take control of the earth’s resources. You should know, we have technologies so powerful that we can vaporize your entire planet should you not enable our needs.”
Having decided that he is the most qualified person on earth to deal with the aliens other than Stephen Miller, who is away polishing one of his heads, Donald Trump will speak for earth, to the aliens, as “the most powerful deal-maker of any nation on earth.” Quote, unquote.
I can imagine Trump, somewhere on the roof of the Trump Tower standing in a gold silk bathrobe:
The Conversation – and tomorrow mornings headline in the Intergalactic News: “Offensive Tiny Planet Annihilated Due to Discussion With Parasitic Life-form”
The Supreme Being of All Intergalactic Beings Speaks:
Greetings, “Pale and Piglike life form. We have been watching your planet for millions of years, and I want to tell you, it isn’t looking like progress, oh white porcine being.”
Humpty:
“Yeah, well, thats because I wasn’t leading it SB. I mean, If I had been, we’d probably be running this little solar system by now. We’re powerful, oh so powerful. With just a single word I turned the entire world into jello SB. You know that stuff you’re made of? It was beautiful, oh so beautiful. I just have to say the word, just one word. So powerful, more powerful than CHI-NA, more powerful than RUSH-ia, more powerful than anywhere, really.”
SB Speaks:
“Enough oh pompous windbag of orange gruel. We are here to steal your resources. Like I said, we’ve been watching, oh Mango mange. We’ve seen ‘man’s’ actions on this puny planet once before, but it was stopped by beings that had intelligence, empathy, resolve, ethics and determination…”
Humpty Cuts Him Off:
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. The guy was a loser, a total loser, couldn’t even stay alive. I like winners SB… What is it you want to buy SB? I can sell you Europe or CHI-NA, for a price. It’s a good price SB, a great price…the best price really. No Supreme Being of whatever, whatever has ever gotten a better price. I’ll even throw in Cuba or Epioistan, there are a ton of shit-holes you can have…”
SB Speaks:
“Enough Supreme Quisling. We don’t deal with less than human beings…listen up, lesser life-form. We were going to take Mexico, but decided that Florida as it is, is only going to be above water for a few more years, so…you’re it, unfortunately, oh globular one.
Humpty:
“Look SB, I know we can do business, you’re talking to the King of the Deal, the Lord of the Land, the Wizard of the World, the…”
SB:
“Shut your monstrous maw…Lord of Lechery…we’ve heard about your exploits, all the way out on @#$%^. We have decided that instead of wasting anymore time, and the fact that you are a parasitic life form, that you are to be eliminated forthwith….’
Humpty:
“Look SB…I don’t know who you think you’re talking to? I’m the Art of the Steal, King of the Deal, Full-meal deal, bigger than McDonalds…I’m…”
The last thing heard by earthlings was an extremely loud…pffffttttt sound.
The giant spray can of fiery death turned earth into a molten marshmallow looking substance as seen from Jupiter…
And so earth, immolated as a planet where there was obviously no intelligent life and where parasites now no longer reside, became nothing more than a smouldering chunk of iron in space.
And sadly, Margaret Atwood’s final novel, “The Cabin Boy with the tiny, grey, rotting patches of skin on his hands, who loves Handjobs”, never saw the light of day.
And now, forevermore on planet @#$%^, children-like beings listen to the story of the “Fat Parasite Who Wouldn’t Shut Up”, at bedtime.
So Endeth the Lesson. Chapter and Verse.
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