Satire from the Dark Side of the 49th Parallel
Today, Republican lawmakers from Wisconsin and Minnesota sent a letter to Canada’s ambassador calling for action on the wildfires sending smoke billowing across the international border into their states, which stated;
“As we are entering the height of the fire season, we would like to know how your government plans on mitigating wildfire and the smoke that makes its way south.”
I shit you not.
After great consideration, Canada has recommended that a letter will be sent to Mother Nature, requesting that she impose hurricanes, tidal surges, flash floods, tornadoes and droughts on America for not actually cutting green house gases and thereby contributing to global warming disproportionately.
Donald Trump, in response has informed Canada that all they need to do is ‘rake the entire Provinces of Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta, and British Columbia, collect all the leaves and vacuum seal them in plastic, so that they no longer pose a risk to American air quality.
Stephen Miller suggested that Canada then burn them on the open prairies, thereby eliminating the problem of storage completely. Duh.
Either that or Canada should buy 10,000 water bombers from Bombardier in Quebec and flood the forests preemptively to ensure that they are too wet to burn.
Donald Trump, stated that the fires are likely caused by Canadian arsonists and that climate change is a hoax, and “all Canada needs is some large vacuums to clean out the forests.”
Mother Nature stated unequivocally in Nature’s Court of Natural Law, that unless America actually listens to Scientists on Climate Change, Forestry Scientists, Meteorologists and the manufacturers of Hoover, Shark. Red Devil and all the manufacturers of vacuums, who think they can possibly build the giant vacuums, that it is still unlikely that vacuuming Canada will be highly effective, due to the dust.
Mother Nature, further stated that since America has been the largest contributor to green house gases emissions, for the longest period of time over history and since America’s emissions amount to massive increases in green house gases, — America should solve the issue and get back to her with an answer.
Barring the probability of success in stopping the ignition of Canada’s desiccated forces due to Mother Nature being incapable of stifling her urges to cause lightning strikes, she is taking an appeal to God’s Court of the Supreme Being.
Donald J. Trump stated that there is no such thing, as he himself is the arbiter of all things in the realm of Supreme beings.
Mother Nature then suggested that Donald, “Suck it Up”, as he personally has expelled so much CO2 in four and a half-years that he may have room internally for all of the atmosphere’s green house gases emissions.
Mother Nature suggested she will likely have the final word on the issue, and said she won’t be sending any letters in return. “Likely, the effects of global warming will, in short order, illustrate to Republicans that climate change induced droughts, flash floods, hurricanes, forest fires, tidal surges, and tornadoes are directly attributable to climate change caused by America, China, India, Russia, Germany, U.K., France and Brazil failing to curb their release of greenhouse gases, with the U.S. being the largest contributor of greenhouse gases in total over time.”
In response, President Trump suggested that the United States will build a wall of wind turbines pointing North, across the entire extent of the 49th parallel to ‘blow the smoke back to where it belongs’.
The proposed bill, called the “Big Beautiful Blowhard Bill” is expected to pass with all of America’s Republican Congressional members firmly convinced that the measure is completely compatible with America’s best interests.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has stated that American health is a priority and he will personally ensure that America’s entire previous Vaccination and Immunization Budget help fund the mega project.
Linda McMann the 13th, and last Secretary of Education, has earmarked “all educational funding for primary public education in the United States towards the protection of young American minds and lungs from the devastating risk of smoke emanating from Canada.”
Construction will begin immediately on the new ‘Blowhard Wall’.
It has been learned that Donald J. Trump will be sending Iceland, the Philippines, Indonesia, Russia and all nations in the ‘ring of fire’ including Ontario, letters requesting that they cease and desist from allowing their volcanoes to erupt.
Stay tuned for more reports.
In Washington, like most other things, “The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.”
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